So, I stopped writing for awhile to try to, I don’t know — find some parts of me that really feel like they’re missing. More so especially lately.
But I think, I am coming to realize that those things that feel like they are missing are just always going to feel like they are missing.
I think it just goes hand in hand with my illness.. it’s the only thing that I can begin to figure out.
The desire to move away is once again kicking my ass - however, what exactly is it that I suddenly need to move away from? I know a grand total of 2 adults in this city and it’s as simple as saying don’t bother me and they won’t.
Which leads me to realize it’s just “Me” that I want to move away from. Solving nothing. In fact, it just makes things harder.
So planted I stay for now and hope something better comes along.
While some stuff has changed much of it stays the same.
I fight for the release of my former skinny self!
I hate dieting - the new pain in my ass. Dieting and working out. Sucks. I miss being one of those skinny people who could eat whatever I wanted and never gain a pound.
Suddenly, at 32 bang! There’s menopause, and here comes the weight.
Not a lot of it but enough to be annoying and enough of it to cause an issue when you have mobility issues as it is.
Of course I can’t just gain it in the annoying places where people know its just an annoying pocket of weight and don’t say anything.
I had something said once, and let me tell you, he has paid the price for his lips flapping ever since.
I’ve forced myself to do crunches every day to tighten up those tummy muscles because that’s where most of my problem is.
I started at 25, then 50 then jumped to 100 a day. Thanks to my very heavy set neighbors walking around and kicking me into high gear.
Nothing against them as ladies. Nice enough and I have nothing against anyone with some weight on their bones. However, with me it becomes a safety issue.
I’m already having balance issues because of it and I can no longer lift my own weight onto the counter when I need something off one of the higher shelves.
I’ve gone down from a 31 waist to a 30 since I started so that’s a start.
Just wish it would all happen yesterday, so I could feel better about myself instead of feeling like a beached whale who never wants to be naked.
I love the way you laugh, knowing how much I love you.
Knowing (now) and believing, just what I would do for you.
“Be careful your acting like a school girl with her first crush”
Maybe, I am baby but I don’t care.
No one fucks with you, not you, not me, not her. No one.
It’s just that thing called love and protection and you have
both the moment you have me.
Relieved knowing that my fear, wasn’t me. However, the fact
It was there at all pisses me off. You don’t deserve the shit you
face. It’s amazing how much some one can find to bitch about
complain about and pin on someone but the moment something
might come back to them they are “too sick” for it to be their fault.
Like I said, I think she knows she knows more of what she does to
people,then she gets credit for knowing.
Times are a changing.
I won’t stand by and let him take all that when i know, its not all him.
If life makes us that unhappy we have choices to make its called life
and being an adult. We don’t just pin the shit we don’t like on someone
else, using their guilt as fare and ride the train through life.
So angry almost violent, can’t seem to calm down.
It’s killing me to watch and be helpless in doing anything about it.
It’s killing him slowly a little more every day, going through it.
How do you watch someone you can’t be with out suffer?
So much that I want, that I can never say out loud even here for fear of causing said person more suffering.
How the hell do you make something stop hurting you, when you can’t stop cause?
Its funny, a year ago,the things that were said, and desired - the reactions.. between then and now, just so different.
Suddenly the one thing I swore I would never need is the one thing I can not live with out.
Things would almost be perfect.. almost.
I lost myself in you. Once again here I stand.
I am always the first thing pushed aside when things get tough in life.
I swore I would never put myself in that position again. Yet here I am.
Part of me wonders if I am going to be here when you get back. At least the me that you knew.
Was this ever really worth it? Did I just make myself believe this could be more than it ever had the potential for?
Funny, I thought finding myself here in this familiar spot, would hurt more than it does (this time). Instead I feel a relieved sense of calm and almost indifference.
Something I know will eventually turn to bitterness. Until then I will enjoy the sense of peace I have found in not needing to be.
Not needing to be, the non- girlfriend, girlfriend, not needing to long for quiet moments where I can just be tucked away to be me. To be nothing more than that moment. To just be alone.
The ‘relationship’ feeling of our relationship is getting old. I am feeling tied down, and restless.
Exactly why I wanted something less relationship like. I have no interest in being someone’s wife, mother, or life support system.
I just want to be that girl who has her own flow, does her own thing and experiences what I can.
Instead I am…Trapped?
In a city where cultured means buying Asian noodles in a cup and adding boiled water and watching karate kid reruns.
I don’t know how much more I can take.
No culture, no history. no spark. No life. No adventure.
There’s nothing like the feeling of feeling completely insignificant.
I can’t help but wonder what’s happening and fear I’m going to lose you forever.
Do you even realize I have said I love you, twice today to which you replied with nothing.
Nothing, the man that swears no matter what we are you will never leave me, you swear you can’t. Even if the only thing we ever are is fuck buddies who say I love you, you will never leave? Yet suddenly here we are and I’m afraid, afraid and by myself watching the little parts of me spiral down.
Despite what we are, I can’t picture life with out you. Ever.
Pretty obvious by the fact we’ve been together almost daily since I moved here.
Now, I sit here waiting.. for what I have no idea.
A beep, my entire heart comes down to a fucking beep right now.
It’s possible this is feeling bigger than it is, it could be something that doesn’t effect me other then pissing me off to high hell because it has you hurting or it could effect me completely.